Maybe you’ve never been good in the sack. Maybe you’ve recently left a sexless marriage and need some motivation to get back out there. Maybe you’re already good in bed, but your self improvement game is strong. However you need to justify being here, reading this- we don’t mind.
Without further ado, 21 ways to stop sucking at fucking.
- Lebron Powder
The entire time. Don’t be afraid to show your sensitive side.
3. Bring Your Lawyer
Most lawyers charge less than $400/hour, which is about what you’d pay for a mid-class hooker.
4. Ask For Consent
Be specific. You can never be too safe. Small gestures go a long way. Things like “can I tell you my current credit score”, or “may I go approximately 3 times this fast” may seem frivolous, but nothing is sexier than asking questions.
5. Lube Your Whole Body
Because nothing is worse than belly suctions.
7. Smoke Cigarettes, The Entire Time
8. Build A Safe Zone With Crystals
Help keep your chakras aligned AND ward off bad juju.
9. Call Your Friends
It’s important to your partner to know that you’re not embarrassed to be with them. There’s no better time to prove this.
11. Recite Bible Verses
Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.
12. Play Games
Hook the Nuva to win one of her stuffed animals.
13. Wet Willy
14. Gatorade Bath
15. Guy Fieri Catchphrases
“Fuckin’ FULL THROTTLE”.
16. Incredibly Creepy Movie Quotes
“When Andy plays with you, it’s like, even though you’re not moving… you feel like you’re ALIVE”.
17. Count Each Thrust, Aloud
18. Be Your Own “Tom Leach”
“He pulls up from WAY OUT… not this time!”
19. Try To Go Super Saiyan
20. Backhanded, Self Deprecating Compliments
“You’re really good at this, you must’ve sucked WAY bigger dicks than mine”
21. Comment Your Own
[Best Comment Here]
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