How To Fuck Good

 

Maybe you’ve never been good in the sack. Maybe you’ve recently left a sexless marriage and need some motivation to get back out there. Maybe you’re already good in bed, but your self improvement game is strong. However you need to justify being here, reading this- we don’t mind.

Without further ado, 21 ways to stop sucking at fucking.

  1. Lebron Powder

2. Cry

The entire time. Don’t be afraid to show your sensitive side.

3. Bring Your Lawyer

Most lawyers charge less than $400/hour, which is about what you’d pay for a mid-class hooker.

4. Ask For Consent

Be specific. You can never be too safe. Small gestures go a long way. Things like “can I tell you my current credit score”, or “may I go approximately 3 times this fast” may seem frivolous, but nothing is sexier than asking questions.

5. Lube Your Whole Body

Because nothing is worse than belly suctions.

6. Stretch

Stretching before, during, and after sex helps prevent pulled muscles, which will surely put a damper on your encounter.

7. Smoke Cigarettes, The Entire Time

8. Build A Safe Zone With Crystals

Help keep your chakras aligned AND ward off bad juju.

9. Call Your Friends 

It’s important to your partner to know that you’re not embarrassed to be with them. There’s no better time to prove this.

10. Karaoke

11. Recite Bible Verses

Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.

12. Play Games

Hook the Nuva to win one of her stuffed animals.

13. Wet Willy

14. Gatorade Bath

15. Guy Fieri Catchphrases

“Fuckin’ FULL THROTTLE”.

16. Incredibly Creepy Movie Quotes

“When Andy plays with you, it’s like, even though you’re not moving… you feel like you’re ALIVE”.

17. Count Each Thrust, Aloud

18. Be Your Own “Tom Leach”

“He pulls up from WAY OUT… not this time!”

19. Try To Go Super Saiyan

Impersonate the audio for full effect

20. Backhanded, Self Deprecating Compliments

“You’re really good at this, you must’ve sucked WAY bigger dicks than mine”

21. Comment Your Own

[Best Comment Here]

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1,478 thoughts on “How To Fuck Good”

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